I haven't updated in forever
Probably because of my lack of thoughtfulness towards certain things
I think alot, but dont bother to write them down, I've been working and keeping myself occupied with the boyfriend and sami.
I watched all the seniors check out, quite saddening, but im excited for next year, im excited because i know i wont cry, ill be happy to leave and pursue whatever, i dont even know what i want to do. Does anyone have any ideas of what i'd be good at?
I was sitting outside in my backyard today, starring up into the sky, watching clouds and enjoying the weather, i thought about life, and it's many meanings, and how when someone is out in nature, they aren't the people you see in schools.. or work.. they are unique.. we all are. It seems like once you step outside there is a whole new meaning to life away from the electronics, and television. I've always loved being outdoors, when i was younger i was ALWAYS outside, and if Beka Bolema didn't have me get an IM screen name i'd probably always be outside being a tomboy. I still feel the urges to go down to Lake Harbor and just wonder through the woods. I would go, but the drive is to far away, thats what i hate about living here. sigh.
I was looking at myself in the mirror today too. While getting ready... i noticed im not the same strong person i thought i was. I noticed lately that all of us seem a little weaker and tender these days, like something in our souls arent right. This time last year your souls seemed more welcoming, and less stressed. Maybe it's because of our dramatic changes and lost of the other souls we once held on to? Or maybe it's just me who feels out of place, out of the loop. I look into the eyes of the girls and guys i am friends with and see a yearning in all of you, maybe a hope of this summer to come as soon as possible so we can all let free, or maybe a part of us all has gone and left itself somewhere. I know alot of you are wishing for a perfect summer, and in a way all summers are perfect.
I know im wishing upon alot of things, and pushing myself to get over alot of things, and it stresses me out because i need to be strong at the same time. I dont want to keep hurting people with my random breakdowns and not talking cold hearted sprees. I'm so use to looking around and finding a comfort zone, but sometimes when you're all alone, listening to the variety of music you choose.. you realize that there is nothing called a comfort zone.. it's your rountine. You look forward to it because it's always the same to you.. it all goes the same way, and when it finally doesn't.. that routine is ruined.
In the way of life, you will never have the same things as you did before, you will always be changing, switching roles, fighting, crying, losing, becoming the monster yuo once hated, but now cant do a damn thing about it, and within that all you'll always have someone you either once knew, or always talk to.. who you know is that one person who waits for someone to come to them, to speak their mind.. who is dealing with alot.. but never tells a soul.. tells someone.. but no one else.. who would rather sit with you and show you that there is a hope.. and never sharing a single secret they had, not because they dont want to.. but because they dont know how.. can't put it into words.. and to tell you all the truth.. i feel likle that person.. i am that person.. im willing to listen to you all.. i can keep a million secrets.. trust me.. ive kept so many of myself that i can't begin.. and i wont..truly, i have told people this a MILLION times, but honestly.. im serious. I sit and look at you all... knowing you all have a secret just waiting to burst out of your mouths.. and you all look to someone. i just want you all to know.. ive always been there. even if i dont know you.
My heart hurts, it's kind of painful.. it kind of sucks.. ha. But yeah.. this is me trying to write:
A trickle rolls down my cheek
Looking into those beautful brown eyes
I see a future i've wanted all along
I see a soul i couldn't live without
Have you found your place in this lonely little town?
I can feel the warmth of nature
Bringing in feelings of leftovers all around
I've never seen such a broken hearted little town
Full of lost hopes
Have you forgotten your path all along?
I can see this bottle going down
All alone we are such suckers
For a broken heart is what you have all bottled up?
Afriad of your past
Your promises will be lost
In this lonely broken little town
i dont know.. something i wrote.. haha
probably another century before i update again
I Love You Chris
And everyone else!
ps-maybe some love in a comment? please? its all i can ask for.